Monday, February 8, 2010

Jersey Shore

Knicks Bowl. Jersey Shore.

The world is full of beautiful combinations.

Sunday, February 7, 2010


From TKB (who got it from Hoopsworld):
“…Acie Law and his camp have been given permission from the Charlotte Bobcats to talk to teams and try to find a situation that makes sense for the point guard. The New York Knicks have shown the most interest in Law and his expiring contract. The Indiana Pacers have also had some conversations with Law and could be a potential suitor if New York doesn’t work out. Law still has a lot of potential and many believe he could still be a great point guard if put in the right situation…”

Oh word?

See, Acie Law has been a part of one of the cooler endings in recent college history, taking down Kevin Durant in that clip with a balls-dragging three-pointer at the buzzer. We all know to what heights Durant's career has been elevated in just three years' time, but we should not forget that Acie Law IV is the only antivenin to the bite of the Durantula.

You see, it's like the game Stratego.

Within the context of the game, there are pieces ranging in value from 1-9; the closer to zero a piece's value, the higher its "power" over other pieces. You are in a simulated war and move your pieces, whose values are unknown to your opponent, in attack or defense of your opponents or your own flag, respectively. If your piece with a value of 3 moves into an opponent's 6, you win the battle and his piece is taken, a la chess. If you attack an opponent's 2 with a 4, he gets your piece.

The thing is, there is only one piece that can defeat a 1 except another 1 (in which case both would be destroyed): the Spy.

The spy's value is 9, so it's technically the shittiest numerical piece on the board, but its ability to destroy the opponent's 1-piece makes it an invaluable piece to any good strategy.

Which brings me full circle to Acie Law IV. He isn't a particularly good basketball player, but look back on his college career and his overall attitude about shit, and you realize that he's a Spy from Stratego. If you are ever in a fight with a 1 (In this case, Kevin Durant), you always want to have a Spy at the end of your bench who can clean his fucking clock and pop threes in his eyes.

Although not all of the following players are as bad as Acie Law (in most cases, the player is actually pretty good), they all share the ability to slay dragons:

Baron Davis
Ben Gordon
DeJuan Blair
Mario Chalmers
Jamal Crawford
Mickael Pietrus
Jerryd Bayless
Gilbert Arenas

It's curious that the only non-guards are DeJuan Blair, who I included for his ability to completely shut down Hasheem Thabeet in college and out-rebound anybody, and Mickael Pietrus, who I have never seen miss a key three-pointer toward the end of an important game (and he's taken his fair share).

So, I think the Knicks should get Acie Law IV somehow, even though I don't think any form of trade would work out. He's a dragonslayer, and those are cool. Right?

Songs of the Day:
"Watch Me Sink" - Have Heart
"Gotta Get Mine" - MC Breed feat. 2Pac

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Cruisin' Down The Street On A MerShaq Back!

Tonight, the Knicks lost to the Cavaliers 113-106. There were only three times this season LeBron James totaled more than the 44 minutes he did against the Knicks at home, and he took 31 shots (For his 31st bday lol) and made 17 of them, 4 of which were three pointers during the two-minute warning of the first half.
Does anyone remember the years when LeBron James would score 80 points on the Knicks and there wouldn't be a deluge of "LeBron James shows his potential future team what they could be getting!" and "LeBron James proves that he obviously does not want to come to New York this summer"? Does anyone remember when there wasn't such a motherfucking hoopla over what someone chose to do, and there wasn't nine-layer scrutiny over a decision that isn't coming for six months? I wish the Knicks would get shitted on by the best athlete on the planet to the tune of 47, 8, 8 and 5 steals and not be force-fed Cleveland's cock. The city sucks ass from what I hear, and everyone in the state is so proud of LeBron James that they get defensive to the point of hockey parents when his freedom comes up. It may be the most backward sports-related phenomenon in history.

Clevelander: "Hello, I'm from Akron, Ohio. I have lived here since I was born, and I consider myself a big Cleveland Cavaliers fan. I would have to say my favorite athlete is LeBron James. What he's done for this city has been absolutely huge, considering our other sports franchises aren't very good and he has the Cavs playing the best basketball in the NBA. I'm really excited for the LeBron James era to continue next season, after he re-signs with the Cavs."
Logician: "What if he doesn't resign with the Cavaliers this summer? What if he wants to make more money in a larger city, where he'll get more exposure?"
Clevelander: "I don't think you understand; LeBron James is resigning with the Cavaliers. Are you a mentally handicapped citizen? How could he possibly want to leave what he has in Cleveland? There is literally not one single better situation he could find in any other part of the United States than on the shore of Lake Erie."
Logician: "But Shaquille O'Neal chose to move from Orlando to Los Angeles because he would gain even more notoriety than he already had; and Orlando's in Florida."
Clevelander: "True, but Shaquille O'Neal didn't have a Championship-caliber team when he left."
Logician: "Well, that may be a debatable albeit slightly revisionist opinion, but the fact remains that Shaquille O'Neal signed a contract with another team in the second-largest city in the United States because he was interested in making money, marketing himself and expanding his area of expertise."
Clevelander: "So? Shaq is nothing like LeBron James. The two probably never even talk."
Logician: "Probably."
Clevelander: "And it's not like he's getting any advice on the matter from other people."
Logician: "Equally good point."
Clevelander: "Plus, he's not very good at keeping the secret that he's staying. I mean, he has a really big house right by Cleveland! Why would he build that if he was leaving?!"
Logician: "Another great point. He's been trying for the past 7 years to keep this secret, but his one fatal mistake was buying a house and letting everyone know he's obviously staying. You know, because of a building. After all, he is very lackadaisical about his public image."
Clevelander: "So fuck off, man!"

If you want LeBron James to be a Cavalier next year, it would be contradictory to take everything as a clue. If everything he did was a clue, the majority would indicate that he's leaving. Alas! there is no way to stifle the hype machine or quiet the talking heads. I hope he leaves the Cavaliers and comes to the Knicks, but if he doesn't, I'm not going to lose my shit and hate him forever as I'm sure most Cavs fans would. After all, it's his life. So fuck off, man!

Song of the Day: "Soldier Girl" - The Polyphonic Spree

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Rest In Peace: Knicks Legend Dick McGuire

Photo courtesy

A different kind of trade

Good afternoon, lesbos. I told you in my last entry concerning the trade deadline that I have more somewhat realistic trades waiting in the wings. I wasn't yanking your dicks! Although I do not want to get into the logistics of yanking the dicks of alleged lesbians, I do want to get into the logistics of this trade I've been cooking up for the past couple of days. It is another three-teamer, one that would be complex and convoluted; in today's NBA, that is slang for "impossible," because General Managers are not only stupid, they are pussies. Big fat pussies.

So let's pretend for a moment that every GM in the league wasn't a vagina and toss a ridiculous trade out into the open. Now, this particular trade has two iterations, one of which is more likely than the other. But, as soon as I realized it was impossible for either of them to happen because of the "GM pussy" clause in the Collective Bargaining Agreement, I decided to get a little wishful with the second one. Both of these trades would benefit the Knicks, you just may not think so because you are biased and sentimental. I, too, am both of those things, but when I try to think of trades, I don't think "WELL, LABRON WOULDNT WANT THAT GUY ON HIS TEEM BECAUSE HED BE THE SAME HEIGHT AND WEIGHT SO HE WOULDNT WANT TO GET JEALOUS OMG!!!111" or anything insane like that. I think "The Knicks might get LeBron James this summer; that's a true possibility. But a more likely possibility is that they don't get him. We need to realize that this would not be the end of the world, and that it would be okay, even prudent, to plan for such an event. Without further adieu, shut the hell up about LeBron James and peep this trade.

Trade 2:
Knicks get:
Josh Howard (1 year, 10.8 M), Anthony Morrow (1 year, 736 K), Brandon Wright (2 years, 2.6 M) and a trade exception worth 457 K

Mavericks get:
Corey Maggette (4 years, 8.9 M), Marcus Landry (1 year, 457 K)

Warriors get:
Jared Jeffries (2 years, 6.4 M), Nate Robinson (1 year, 4 M), Wilson Chandler (2 years, 1.2 M), Toney Douglas (2 years, 996 K) and a trade exception worth 736 K

Why it makes sense:
As I explained before, the Knicks are looking to get rid of Jared Jeffries and sign some free agents this offseason, whether it be LeBron James, David Lee, Chris Bosh, whoever. To do that, they would really like to get rid of Jared Jeffries's awful contract for more cap relief. This trade oversees them sending JJ to the Warriors for a nice little package of Mike D'Antoni delights!
We would receive Josh Howard (Ey Yo! I'm sippin' on Tanqueray, wit my mind on my money and my mouth on the ganjay!), who the Mavericks have shown interest in abandoning. Although he's on the last year of his contract (hence the entire reason why the Knicks would take him), the Mavericks (specifically Mark Cuban) has always been one to move expiring pieces at the deadline for assets in the playoffs. So, the Knicks would take Howard, Renaldo Balkman would hook him up with piff, and everybody wins.
Additionally, the Knicks get Anthony Morrow and Brandon Wright. Anthony Morrow is one of the best shooters in the NBA, plain and simple, and he's only 24. Both of those things are delightful.
Brandon Wright, 22 years old(!), was drafted a couple years ago out of UNC, and has never played significant minutes in the NBA. In the limited minutes he's played, he has been a fantastic young power forward. He blocks the fuck out of the ball, runs the court fantastically, finishes around the basket like a pro, and has the potential to be a defensive juggernaut. So, why would the Warriors get rid of him?
Well, like I said, the Dubs have been extremely reluctant to give him burn because Nelly hates playing young guys who haven't proven shit, even though in order to prove shit, you need burn.
Doesn't make sense, but we could exploit that.
Additionally, they may get rid of Wright because they have an identical player with seemingly more potential in Anthony Randolph.

Mavericks would cop Corey Maggette, who has been playing out of his goddamn mind this year (go on look up his stats). This would give them a threat to pop for 30 (giving them 3, along with Dirk, who goes off nightly, and Terry, who has lost a step). Maggette gets to the line like it's his job (LOL!), and shoots well over 50% from the field. He would make them instant contenders in the West, something Josh Howard (who is only averaging 26 minutes per game this year) cannot claim. They'd also get Marcus Landry, who is thrown in for money purposes.

The Warriors get Jared Jeffries, whose contract doesn't matter much because they're looking to drop money via getting rid of Maggette, which this trade fulfills. They can hold onto his contract for the extra year, then let him fall off their list.
What they actually DO get, however, is Nate Robinson (for the rest of the year), Wilson Chandler (for two more years), and Toney Douglas (also 2 years). Chandler, over the past few months (particularly weeks) has increased the FUCK out of his trade value, and he is still very, very young. The Knicks can afford to lose him (though it would no doubt sting) because they have Gallinari. They could get rid of Douglas, in this case, because it would mean getting Morrow, who is a "shooting" guard, through and through. Nate Robinson would thrive in their system, but he's not likely to stick around. Whatever. Let's review what's important.

The main parts of this trade are:
The Mavericks get a solid cog for the playoffs AND get rid of Josh Howard.
The Knicks get rid of Jared Jeffries AND cop Brandon Wright and Anthony Morrow.
The Warriors get Wilson Chandler, who Nelly would actually play because he has chops, and Nate Robinson and Toney Douglas, a defensive guard they could pair with Monta Ellis.
The Warriors wouldn't cry because they'd effectively replace Wright with Chandler. They don't play Wright anyway, and want something young and useful back for him (pause). They also replace Morrow with Douglas, which is essentially replacing a shooter with a defensive driver. They just drafted Steph Curry, soooooo...

Who says no?

The second variation is essentially a the same trade, only with far more wishful thinking on the parts of Knicks fans:

Who says no?

Later, lesbians.

Song of the day: "Black History Month" - Marc M.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Rollercoaster, Dinopark, Lemonade...Oil?

One of my favorite movies of all time is "There Will Be Blood," a film based loosely on Upton Sinclair's classic expose "Oil!," that pits Daniel Day Lewis (my favorite serious actor of all time) against everything else in the beginning of the 1900's. He is an Oil Tycoon (see what I did there?) named Daniel Plainview and he prospects farmland to build a new derrick that will get him rich. He succeeds, and in the process does the following shit:

1. Makes his son (who we later find out is just an orphan he picked up for sympathy points while closing business deals) go deaf, then sends him off to an institution when his son subsequently attempts to light him on fire.
2. Murders a man posing as his brother, then buries him in the woods.
3. Gets baptized by a minister he hates because it would benefit him financially.
4. Erects(!) a derrick and draws oil until he's a virtual billionaire.
5. Alienates everyone in his life, causing him to live a life of ultimate despair and preposterous alcoholism.
6. Speaks like he constantly taking a shit.
7. Lies to everyone. Yes; everyone.
8. Screams at his already deaf son for spiting him, regardless of the fact that his son is not, in any way, spiting him.

And that about wraps it up. It is a film that won critical acclaim of the highest extent, nominated for 8 Academy Awards (winning two) and will go down as one of the foremost epics in the Americana genre of film.

Anyway, all I'm really trying to say is that Daniel Day Lewis's character sounds like Tom Green in "Freddy Got Fingered."


Just saying.


The NBA trade deadline is February 18th, and most experts (ESPN lol!) are predicting a massive overhaul for some teams and some major names to be traded. This includes Amare Stoudemire, Ray Allen, Tracy McGrady, and anybody on the Wizards. Some teams are looking for young talent, some teams are looking for cap relief, and others are looking to bolster their rosters for playoff time; looking for that player who will put them over the top. Well, because I have sat back and watched countless trade deadlines pass without any excitement, and because I am a dirty fucking Knicks homer, I propose a trade!

Trade 1:
Knicks get:
Ray Allen (1 year, 18.7 M), Sergio Rodriguez (1 year, 1.5 M)
and use most of the Q. Richardson's trade exception

Celtics get:
Jared Jeffries (2 years, 6.4 M), Kevin Martin (4 years, 9.6 M)

Kings get:
Al Harrington (1 year, 10.0 M), Jordan Hill (2 years, 2.4 M)
and the 1.6 M trade exception

Why it makes sense:
The Knicks are looking to get rid of Jared Jeffries's awful goddamn contract by any means necessary. Donnie Walsh & co. know damn well that they're not going to be able to do that in a straight-up trade because Jared Jeffries is widely perceived as terrible (which is not true, though at 6.7 million dollars, he is one of the worst players in the league). He can play an Anderson Varejao - type role on a playoff team, defending players of any position and absolutely smothering the pick and roll. He has been scoring as of late (probably voodoo), and is among the Knick leaders in adjusted +/- points. The Celtics could use him because he could bottle up Rashard Lewis in a potential playoff battle and could hold his own again J-Smoove or Marvin in ATL. He could play with KG, Sheed or Perkins behind him, making his complete lack of shot-blocking a moot point. All told, Jeffries would be a great fit if the Celtics were looking to make a run and lose Ray Allen's contract all at once.

The Knicks would also be giving up Al Harrington (who gives a shit?) to the Kings to make salaries match. This doesn't impact either team, as he will be a free agent at the end of the year.

The Celtics, in addition to getting the services of Jeffries (pause), would be getting rid of Allen in exchange for a younger shooting guard with a serviceable contract and who would be absolutely perfect next to Rajon Rondo in the long-term. He draws fouls and can shoot the three.

The Kings are looking to dump salary (Kevin Martin) in terms of becoming bigger players in free agency. Also, their need for K. Martin has diminished with the drafting of rookie Tyreke Evans, who can capably act as their #1 scoring option, making Martin expendable. However, they do not want to lose Martin for nothing, so they need young talent back as well.

This is where the trade gets tricky for Knicks fans, as losing Jordan Hill would be unpleasant and almost certainly premature. The Kings need help from young, tall guys (Fuck Jason Thompson and Spencer Hawes), and Hill can eventually grow into a shot-blocker and capable scorer. I don't see why they would say no to a potential talent of his caliber.

The most underrated part of this trade is the Knicks getting Sergio Rodriguez. He is a win/win situation for the Knicks, as he is both an expiring contract and he is an excellent fast-break point guard stuck on a team who refuses to play him. He shits the bed on defense almost every night, but I don't see why we couldn't play him with either Chandler at the 2 (I know I know, he's a 3), or Toney Douglas, whose defensive chops are obvious. Losing Hill stings, but this trade gets the Knicks a good fast-break PG who could be dropped or re-signed on the cheap.

who says no?

I have more trades waiting in the wings, and I'll post them soon.
Good day, assholes!

Song of the day: "Hey Thanks" -The Wonder Years